


Such A Quiet Disease

by mob_lake



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, First Time, Hurts So Good, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 14:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5589805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mob_lake/pseuds/mob_lake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love was dangerous for a Jedi, forbidden.  Love had torn Anakin Skywalker apart.  Turned him to the dark and made him into Darth Vader.  Ben could feel it, all the time.  The darkness in him, fighting to take over the light.  Love would not tear him apart, because the light that came from Poe Dameron was overwhelming, was all-consuming.  Poe had enough light for both of them and Ben knows with a frightening certainty that it's the one thing keeping him together</p>
            </blockquote>





	Such A Quiet Disease

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic ever! I just could not get this idea out of my head. AU and un-beta'd. 
> 
> Title is from:  
> Nothing Lasts Forever -Brett Dennen

Poe Dameron grew up with tales of Rebels. Of those in this galaxy who saw evil and knew it had to be fought. Tales of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa. He remembers his parents being gone, fighting, flying but mostly he remembers them. He remembers sitting in his mother's lap in her old A-Wing as she let him take the controls for the first time. He remembers his father making sure he knew what it really meant to be brave. And when his mother died when he was 8 years old he learned what it meant to love someone and to lose them. 

Ben Solo grew up with tales of the Force. Of a legacy of light and hope, and a legacy of evil and darkness. Tales of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi and Master Yoda. Being told when he was young, so young, too young, that he had a power inside of him that few would ever know. Seeing his mother's warm smile and his father's wry smirk and feeling torn in two. And when he was 6 years old he was sent to study with his Uncle Luke and he learned what it meant to hide his true self.

 

**Sometimes it happens like this:**

A confused, young boy becomes and angry, young man. He betrays, he rages, he is exploited. He never meets Resistance Pilot Poe Dameron until the day he enters his mind and forces out the missing piece of the map leading to Luke Skywalker. He never cares about the pilot at all until Dameron is helped to escape by a rogue stormtrooper called FN-2187.

 

**Sometimes it happens like this:**

 

When Poe Dameron met Ben Solo for the first time it was at his mother's funeral. He stood next to his father and let strangers shake his hand firmly to pretend he was an adult or bend down next to him and carefully wrap an arm around one shoulder while making a point to look him in the eye and tell him it's okay. Han Solo and Leia Organa are both there, and Luke Skywalker with his metal hand. Poe had always wanted to see it up close, to ask if it could punch through a wall or crush a man's skull, but his mother is gone and he forgets. He see's Ben with his wild black hair, his nose and ears that are too big for his face. Something moves underneath the numb grief, and that feeling he does not forget.

-

Ben feels him before he see's him. He watched the X-Wing land next to the rest of the fleet, watched the pilot jump from the cockpit with a confident thud that makes Ben's stomach flip. 

"Welcome back, Cadet Dameron," Ben keeps his face impassive as Poe whips around removing his helmet and revealing his flushed cheeks and crooked smile.

Poe's smile grows wider, Ben can tell he's fighting not to reach out, "I should say the same to you, didn't know you would be here."

"Master Luke had business with the New Republic, as his padawan it is my duty to accompany him," Ben removed the hood of his robes. 

"Of course," Poe smirked, "Well I need a shower desperately. Has anyone shown you the Cadet quarters?"

 

Poe had not been born to the force as Ben had, but growing up in the shadow of a Force-sensitive tree had left him with a faint glow of it. Like the smell of smoke that lingers long after the fire has been extinguished. He couldn't bend others to his will or move objects with just a wave, but his instincts were sharper. Like he was just a fraction of a second ahead of everyone else. More importantly, it meant that Ben could sense him, feel his emotions when they were close which was not often enough and far too much. 

Poe practically dragged Ben through the door to his room and crushed their lips together. Finally, _finally_ Ben could feel it. The almost blinding  
light that was Poe Dameron. He instinctively followed when Poe pulled away slightly.

"Missed you," Poe breathed against his mouth, pressed their hips together "How long? 3 months? I practically wanked my dick off."

And Ben laughed, because this was Poe. Poe was brash, he was funny, he was passionate, he was.

 _Love._

Love was dangerous for a Jedi, forbidden. Love had torn Anakin Skywalker apart. Turned him to the dark and made him into Darth Vader. Ben could feel it, all the time. The darkness in him, fighting to take over the light. Love would not tear him apart, because the light that came from Poe Dameron was overwhelming, was all-consuming. Poe had enough light for both of them and Ben knows with a frightening certainty that it's the one thing keeping him together.

"That would be a shame," Ben moved them towards the bed, removing his robe and unzipping Poe's flight suit simultaneously, "Would rather ruin my plans."

"And what plans are those?" Poe pulled his flight suit off his shoulders, kicked it off onto the floor. Ben touched his hand, pushed gently into his mind, showed him an image.

"Blasted hell Ben!" Poe reached down and grabbed his hard cock and squeezed, "If that's what you were planning you can't just go showing me things like that. I almost shot off right there!" 

Ben laughed again and propped himself up on the bed with one hand, idly stroked himself with the other, "I didn't know I had quite that effect."

"You bloody liar," Poe knelt next to him on the bed, wrapped his hand around Ben's, "Stars, you are beautiful." Then he kissed him again.

"I meant it," Ben said when they stopped to breath, "I want that, want it to be you."

Poe sat back on his heels, he looked remarkably handsome. His hair was still mussed from his helmet, his tan skin flushed around his neck and chest, "If your sure?"

"Please Poe." Ben pressed a small bottle into his hand. 

The waning sunlight filtered in through the room's large window. Poe's room was on the 58th floor of the Cadet's Academy of the New Republic and if Ben looked out all he could see was the planet's horizon, the suns starting to sink into the distance. Light. 

Poe was careful with him, calm and deliberate, until Ben was gasping for air and more aroused than he had ever been in his entire life.

"Do you have any idea how you look right now?" Poe moaned, took himself in his hand and slowly started to push inside.

Ben's sharp intake of breath made him pause, he looked down at him with worried eyes, "Okay?" 

Ben didn't answer, instead reached up and pulled Poe down to kiss him. He could feel Poe everywhere, inside him, around him. Light. Love. They moved together after that, Ben's legs wrapped tight around Poe's waist, pulling him closer. Kissing constantly and Ben knew he wouldn't last long.

"I'm..."

"Oh god, me too."

"Poe," he managed to gasp out, but Poe understood. He slipped his hand between them and then Ben was falling. No, not falling. Flying. 

 

-

 

"What do you expect me to do!" Poe was angry, Ben had rarely seen him angry, "I'm the best damn pilot in the galaxy and people are dying!"

"I didn't expect you to run off behind my back and join my mother's new band of Rebels!" Ben tried to calm his mind, the anger was catching and he needed to make Poe see reason. Anger for Ben was dangerous. 

"Well it wasn't as if I could reach you!" Poe stalked towards him, and Ben knew this was about more than joining the Resistance, "And I don't need your permission."

They were face to face now, Ben could feel Poe's anger, his pride, arrogance, and something else. Something so rare Ben almost didn't recognize it, fear.

"What are you afraid of?"

Poe's eyes flashed dangerously, "Stay out. of my head."

He turned to leave, but Ben grabbed his wrist, "You don't know the First Order like I do! You have no idea..."

"I know! But how could I live with myself, how the hell could I call myself my mother's son if I did nothing?" 

Ben knew he would lose this fight. Knew it for the exact same reasons he loved Poe. The same reasons he cannot lose him. 

"Best damn pilot in the galaxy, remember?" And there it was, the light. Ben closed his eyes, felt Poe touch his face, his anger thawing. 

"What aren't you telling me Ben, what are _you_ afraid of?" 

_Fear leads to anger._

"I have to leave again soon, to finish my trials. I don't know for how long." Poe flinched and pulled away.

"Are you afraid I make you weak?" Poe wouldn't look at him, but the way his voice cracked made Ben's heart twist painfully. He had never heard Poe sound like that before. 

Ben was stunned for a moment. Didn't he know, couldn't he tell? His hands shook when he grabbed the front of Poe's ridiculous orange jumpsuit and kissed him painfully hard. He forced his tongue into Poe's mouth, grabbed his hair, cupped his face. 

"Why would you," Ben kept his grip, "How could you even think that?" 

"You're going to be a Jedi," Poe was trying to keep his voice steady, "Jedi's live free of all attachments. You asked what I was afraid of. I'm afraid one day you'll leave for good."

_Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose._

"Never," He pulled Poe towards their bedroom, "never, never."

He takes Poe for the first time that night. He looks incredible, dark eyes flashing, cheeks tinged pink when Ben moves inside him. 

_You don't deserve this,_ a cruel voice whispers later. _You will destroy him._

-

Ben passes the trials. He becomes one of the first Knights of the new Jedi Order. He feels pride from his mother, his father, his uncle. He feels Poe and knows it's because of him. 

-

Poe Dameron is the best damn pilot in the galaxy. He is a Resistance Commander. Ben Solo is the love of his fucking life. He is brave to a fault. 

He is captured by General Hux on a secret mission to retrieve plans of a superweapon the First Order has almost completed. If they succeed, millions will die, so he gives the plans to BB-8 and tells him to run like hell after his X-Wing is destroyed. He fights as long as he can until he's knocked out from behind. 

They torture him for information, but there's no powerful sith on board to force it out so they get nothing. There is also no broken stormtrooper looking for a way out because FN-2187 had been killed two months earlier in battle by a stray laser blast reflected off the lightsaber of a young Jedi Padawan named Rey.

The Resistance command room is deadly silent as the hologram plays out. His hair is matted, face bruised. He can barely speak.

"My name is Poe Dameron. I'm the best damn pilot in the galaxy. I'm a Resistance Commander. Ben Solo is the love of my fucking life."

He is brave to a fault.

_

By the time Han Solo finds his son he's kneeling in the middle of the smoldering ruins of Commander Dameron's quarters. His head is down and his lightsaber is still in his hand, humming softly. Smoke hovers in the air.

"Ben," Han says it calmly, but clear. His son lifts his head, his eyes almost black and full of unshed tears. He makes a broken sound. It breaks Han's heart. 

"Please," he chokes out, "Please. I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain."

Far across the galaxy, Supreme Leader Snoke smiles.

Sometimes it happens like this. 

But the end is always the same.


End file.
